When Does Wellness Become Unwell?

By Emma Wright

I’ve been a licensed Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) for two years now, but it’s not something I identify with anymore. I still value the things I learned through my courses and in my own personal research into healing my body from Lyme disease, but I’ve grown past my previous ideals for the better. I now feel conscious of my health and body while simultaneously finding balance in the unpredictable and precious moments of life. Wellness isn’t black and white, and neither am I. While I’m grateful for every version of myself and every bit of information I retained, my title as NTP didn’t serve me — or my relationships — the way I thought it would.

I was counseled by a doctor of integrative medicine to explore more holistic approaches to my health after failing medication after medication in my treatment of Lyme disease, and I nearly defeated with hardly any expectation, I began to get better. The brain fog and confusion I used to carry around began to dissipate, I started sleeping regularly, my arthritic flares became fewer and further between. My anxious intrusive thoughts faded, and finally, I was well enough to pick up school again and live my life. With that, I wanted to dedicate every ounce of my body to helping people navigate chronic illness and heal. But when does wellness become unwell? Carefully curated Instagram posts of overflowing plates and adaptogenic lattes make the wellness and nutrition space feel “all or nothing” — either you live and breathe the lifestyle of morning routines by candlelight, apple cider vinegar tonics, meditation rituals, time with friends at healthy cafes that offer grain-free, vegan dairy-free food and mock-tails without abandon, and get a full eight hours of sleep, or, you’re not really “into” wellness. 

I naively thought that everyone wanted and could achieve what I had, which was health by way of a gluten/dairy/refined sugar-free diet with minimal indulgences. I deemed this way of eating as “clean” and it was the only way to live for me. Where at some point the lifestyle did help me heal and I attribute so many wonderful things about my life to this journey, the restrictions began to fail me outside of my own body and health. In both my training and my personal life, the wellness and nutrition world showed me a side of itself that I felt uncomfortable associating myself with. My habits were far from inclusive, and it felt like I was not only imprisoned by those eating habits but by the way wellness demanded that I interact with others. Not to mention, even a lifestyle that claims to be centered around only whole-foods is incredibly expensive to maintain. It would be wrong to assume that everyone around me could make those sacrifices in the name of health. I found myself limiting my interactions with friends because I felt like I had to exemplify the image of wellness all of the time, or else I wouldn’t be a “real” nutritionist. The reality was, I didn’t feel like a real 22 year old either. I was carrying guilt in core aspects of my life for not being “enough” of anything. So, slowly, I began to detach myself from the wellness world.

Slowly, I began to detach myself from the wellness world.

(Emma Wright | La Tonique)

I’m not sure if my detachment was conscious at first, but I just began allowing myself to experience life as it came to me, without thinking about where my next meal that could fit my guidelines would come from. I let myself go to concerts and come home with spilled beer drying on my clothes, I spent late nights in 24-hour restaurants laughing over burritos and reminding myself to drink water, I started taking my coffee black instead of packed with supplements, and I stopped telling people that I was a nutritionist. I started realizing that my “needs” were isolating, and that not everyone on the planet wanted to explore nutrition and wellness. I realized that I lead an even fuller life not worrying about how I looked or acted. What I do know about myself now is that I feel free of worry and guilt, I have great friends around me who are supportive of my health when I am in time of need, and that I have tools within food, supplements, and wellness practices in my back pocket to help me out when I need some more support. 

Going out drinking? Glutathione’s role in detoxification can help a hangover. Feeling ungrounded and unfocused? Carbohydrates are called a macro-nutrient for a reason, and eating carbs along with fats like butter (oh yes, deep golden, delicious butter) can nourish a mind and body. Muscles feeling weak or spastic? Sea salt contains up to 75 trace minerals, which act as electrolytes in the body and aid muscle contraction. Being an NTP has given me so many tools that I am grateful for, and now, I share information with friends if they come to me first or seem open to advice here and there. It feels more natural.

So, when does wellness become unwell? That’s entirely up to you. My advice, six years after presenting with a chronic illness and three years after I began my training to become a nutritionist, is that there is no place for guilt in the relationships with others and yourself. Your identity is unique to you and only you, and it doesn’t matter what your life looks like as long as you honor and care for yourself as best as you can with what you have. I don’t want to leave anyone with the impression that I have all things figured out now, because I don’t, but I do know that I’m better than I used to be. I think that’s all we can really ask for in life.

Emma is a lifestyle writer for La Tonique.